Anyone who has read this blog for a while and/or knows me personally knows that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to Going Somewhere, Doing Something and Having a Plan.
None of which I have right now.
But you know what? I’m having fun. More fun than I’ve had in a long time, working at a relatively easy (though occasionally crazy job) that is NOT my career, but hanging out with fun people and generally messing around a bit.
Because I needed a break from Real Life. At least a bit.
Somedays, I get caught up in the anxiety again and I have to stop and remind myself that I’m still Going Somewhere… I’m just taking a little rest stop on the way. Which is a bit hard, since I’m not the rest stop kind of person and I often drive eight hours straight without even stopping to pee.
But being that kind of person is tiring. And I’m learning a lot about myself right now, in this in between time.
And I’m working at a day job while I decide what I really want to do…
And when that isn’t enough, I turn, as always, to a song to comfort me. This time it’s Kate Miller Heidke, who generally inspired my embracing life when I was in England, and who’s song Apartment is pretty much my mantra at the moment.
I’m living for the present
I’m living day to day
And I don’t have a trust fund
Don’t feel the need to superannuate
It’s almost summer, and I’m determined to enjoy what I can of this summer - live day to day and stop worrying so much about Where I’m Going.
The capitalized words can wait until September or thereabouts.
So, I still exist. It’s just that I got a new job and therefore have a lot less time on my hands. I’ve also become addicted to Dragon Age Origins. As I do when I’m stressed.
I was just talking to Fae about anxiety issues and how hard that makes it to start a new job. That’s my real excuse for not blogging recently. New jobs make me incredibly anxious and I don’t blog when I’m emotionally overwhelmed. Now the job is less overwhelming, but the way things are going it may still lead me to a life of heavy drinking.
In which case, I promise I’ll attempt to blog drunk. Or from AA.
They should hold AA meetings in the hotel where I work.
Anyway. On top of the anxiety of starting a new job, I am having a sort of quarter life crisis. Like, what do I really want to do with my life? Now that I’m making at least some money, where do I go from here?
Same questions, just another day.
I am, however, going to make a conscious effort to get back to my writing. Both here and elsewhere. Not only because I’ve had a couple of people ask me if I’m going to update my blog recently (*cough* Alaina *cough*) but also because I’m happier when I write and I’m in desperate need of some sort of purpose in my life.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
They were some bad Romans.
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-Roma-ma-man!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad Romans
Claudius was ugly
Caligula was diseased
Ceasar wanted everything
As long as it’s free
Antony wanted love
Love-love-love
He wanted love
Nero had drama
With his baby mama
Commodus liked to watch men fight in the sand
Gladiator love
Love-love-love
Gladiator love
You know Julius Ceasar
He was dictator for life
They thought he was a bad, bad Roman
Brutus killed Caesar
Octavian wanted revenge
He went and killed some bad Romans
There’s lots love and
And even more revenge
When you talk about the bad Romans
Et-et-et-tu-uuu!
Et-tu-Bruté-ay-ay!
He was a bad Roman!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
They were some bad Romans
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-Roma-ma-mans!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Very very bad Romans
Happy Ides of March! There’s much room for more verses to come…
The sun was a gold disc, blurred by salt patterned windows; the horizon a bleary somewhere else. We drive the way of tackle shops, motor stores and cheap motels. The roads lined with general stores and diners that belong to people like Frank and Al and Nana. I listen to a melancholy playlist and that song comes on. The song that fits like a second skin. The song I carry with me always.
We drive until the sun disappears, until the lights of the city appear in its place. After five stale hours, the children two seats ahead get antsy. We adults wish that we, too, could whine are we there yet? We’ve places to be, but mostly we’re tired of between.
Twenty six hours in another city. The heaviest hours I’ve felt in a long time, passing both slowly and too fast: burdened by the weight of sadness and carried by love. I pass on the songs that carried me here and hope they will offer some strength.
My memories are full of Greyhound buses. Of looking at my face in window reflections on buses, trains and planes. Tired eyes and bedraggled hair look better in the forgiving dark glass. I watch one city disappear and another appear in the fog before dawn, and I think of a quote I heard years ago:
Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.
- John le Carre
I awoke this morning to a beautiful gift from Kitty.
Kit’s the poet I always wished I could be. Seriously, her poetry is so beautiful and vivid, it takes my breath away.
And she wrote this for me.
Another Ariadne
I have seriously talented friends.
Filed Under life, music, work | Hezabelle April 25, 2011 | 
Comments (4) 