Category: sex

I don’t care about your band

Some of you, those who don’t know me personally, may not know this, but I have the worst track record when it comes to relationships. Or, more aptly, non-relationships.

I often wonder where this failure comes from, since I grew up surrounded by loving relationships and I’m quite good at friendships. But I suck at relationships.

In my defense, some of the objects of these relationships have been less than deserving.

Of course, I chose them, right?

I don’t care about your band by Julie Klausner is one of the most surprisingly good books I’ve read in a long time. I read the first few pages standing in a bookstore in Toronto waiting for a friend to meet me, and I was hooked. Julie Klausner is a hilarious writer. The surprising part, however, is that I don’t normally like non-fiction. And especially not self help… which, to be honest, this book is bordering on. Technically it’s the autobiography of Julie Klausner’s romantic attempts.. and failures. But it’s presented in a very “self help” type way.

But that might just be because I identified so much with it. Honestly, it might as well have been the biography of my own love life. Just a switch of a few names and she might as well have been talking about my life.

It was refreshing.

Refreshing to see that other intelligent, capable women make similarly awful choices when it comes to men. Refreshing to see that one can survive a series of bad non-relationships and still emerge as a relatively functional person.

Because I am largely surrounded by people who are good at being in relationships. Good girlfriends and good boyfriends, people who are always in relationships. Or people who have even less experience with relationships than I, largely because they make better decisions than I when it comes to getting involved with someone who, logically, is just not worth their time.

“There are two kinds of girls who drift toward the more unsavory characters in the dating pool. There are, first of all, the kind of girls who’ve been ignored, abandoned, or otherwise treated ambivalently by their dads, and look to creeps as a means or replicating the treatment to which they’ve grown accustomed…. The other kind of girls who wallow in the Valley of the Dipsticks are the ones who know they deserve better. These are the girls with the great dads; the ones who had their decks stacked from the outset, who knew it couldn’t get any better in the guy department than the one who taught her how to ride her bike… This category of girls, in which I include myself, has a tendency to exceed her allotted bullshit quota for boys she likes, if only because her stubborn mind will not reconcile the notion of wonderful things ever coming to an end.”

“And there are so many guys. I remember the first time a friend referred to a guy I liked as a ‘man’ and I made a face like I was asking Willis what he was talkin’ ’bout. A man is hard to find, good or otherwise, but guys are everywhere now. That’s why women go nuts for Don Draper on Mad Men. If that show was called Mad Guys, it might star Joe Pesci, and nobody wants to see that. Meanwhile, I know way more women than girls. There’s a whole generation of us who rode on the wings of feminism’s entitlement like it was a Pegasus with cornrows, knowing how smart we were and how we could be anything. The problem is that we ended up at the mercy of a generation of guys who don’t quite seem to know what’s expected of them, whether it’s earning a double income or texting someone after she blows you. There are no more traditions or standards, and manners are like cleft chins or curly hair  - they only run in some families.”

The book made me laugh. It made me cringe. It also made me think a lot about the kind of behaviour that I accept from “guys” that I like. Behaviour I would never accept from a friend or even a colleague.

Anyway, it’s a great book. Read it! Well… if you’re a girl.


December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Those of you who know me in person know that I love to host parties. Dinner parties, holiday parties, whatever. I’ve had a secret santa party called HSSP (Heather’s Secret Santa Party) every year for the last 7 years. It’s a Christmas tradition that started with my high school friends and grew to include so many more amazing people. I also have epic birthday parties, because I think my birthday is a big deal.

This year, the best party I had was one I threw with my friend Jes when I got back from England. It was a Fantasia party.

For those of you who don’t know what a Fantasia party is, it’s basically a tubberware party but with sex toys.

Totally my thing.

A record number of people showed up and we listened to the hilarious presentation by the Fantasia lady. We were all laughing and blushing and making fun of each other. And in the end, Jes and I got to split 10% of what everyone else spent to get stuff of our own! Because there were almost 20 people there, we walked away with a lot of free and awesome things. Also, we made penis cookies:

Me: We need to decide on profile or bird’s eye view penises. Just sayin’.

Jes: I’m thinking birds eye view. What were you thinking?

Me: I’m really more comfortable with the bird’s eye view than the profile. It’s more natural for me.

Jes: I thought so. And it will be a much easier shape to bite…if you’re into that. I know some people will just take them whole.

Blood lust

There’s a fine, fine line between pain and pleasure.

It seems these days that the world has caught a case of blood lust. Vampires have long been part of pop culture, through the Victorian era until now, but even before then they were legends. And what draws us to vampires, of all mythical creatures?


Vampires and sex are synonymous. There is no such thing as a chaste vampire. And more importantly for us mortals, there is no such thing as an ugly vampire. You’d think something that had been dead for centuries would be less than appealing. After all, vampires are monsters, wild. And all other mythical monsters - werewolves, cyclopses, harpies - are scary. Vampires are scary in a sexy way. Nevermind scaring your socks off, they seem to jump straight to the pants.

In Interview with a Vampire we lusted after Lestat and Louis. In Buffy, teens all around the world dreamt about Angel and Spike. And now, with Twilight-mania, a new generation is literally asking for Edward to bite them.

I’ll admit, I read Twilight. In fact, I read all four. And I saw the movie twice in theatres. Why? Because vampires are hot.


And finally, last September, HBO gave us True Blood: a show chalk full of sex, drugs, blood and most importantly - vampires. But True Blood wasn’t jumping on the bandwagon (or careening race car) of Twilight, as it may have seemed. True Blood is based on books by Charlaine Harris, the first, Dead Until Dark, published in 2001. Which bears remarkable similarities to Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series, published years later. Sookie Stackhouse is a mind reader, drawn to vampire Bill Compton because she can’t read his thoughts. Edward Cullen is a mind reading vampire, drawn to Bella Swan because he can’t read her thoughts. Edward is a “vegetarian” vampire. Bill is “mainstreaming” after the release of synthetic blood.

You see, this is a key factor to the sexy vampire stories. We don’t want a monster story, we want a story of redemption. Angel is “cursed” with a soul, and so we (and Buffy) fall in love with his tortured past. Edward wonders if he has a soul, and wants desperately to be a decent person, a normal high school student. Bill moves to a small town in the American south in an attempt to rejoin society. Louis is the sympathetic character, who feels guilt at the deaths he has caused. Lestat is the monster.


Last weekend I read Charlaine Harris’ Dead Until Dark, and it was everything I hoped it would be - a grown up version of Twilight. Without the sexual frustration, but in the same fluffy first person style. A romance novel, almost, with vampires and murder mysteries.

Yesterday, I watched the first episode of the second season of True Blood. The show is a lot “classier” than the books - Allan Ball (American Beauty, Six Feet Under) adds a level of sophistication and danger to the books to make it into this enticing, sexy show. In true HBO grandeur.

Vampires are sexy, folks. And they’re also really popular right now. And if you have a problem with that, you can bite me.