When I was little, I lived in a world of unicorns and fields of giant marshmallows. In every shady wood or sunny meadow, I swore I would see a unicorn. Once, I made up a story and told enough people that I’d almost convinced myself.
Almost.
But there really were giant marshmallows in the field.
The first time I saw them, I remember blinking, checking my eyes, saying incredulously: “What’s that?!“
“Oh, just a field of giant marshmallows,” my dad replied.
“Really…?”
“Where did you think marshmallows came from?”
“They grow in fields?!” And they did. Giant white cylinders against the horizon. I craned my neck to watch them as we drove past.
Of course, at some point I learned that they weren’t really marshmallows, though I’m sure I believed in soundly for at least a few weeks. They were just white plastic wrapped bails of hay.
I’m starting my first grown up job on Monday. Today, I bought a suit.
But when I was driving through the stretch of fields this morning, I swear for a second they were still full of marshmallows. But don’t worry, I kept my eyes on the road to avoid hitting unicorns.
Ten months after finishing my MA, I finally have a job worthy of my two degrees.
After almost six months of unemployment, four months at a nowhere job, nearly a hundred job applications and several interviews, my throw away year is over.
Next Monday I start a job that will be, hopefully, the first step in my career in museums.
The funny thing is that the day before I found out, I got an interview for the government job I’ve been waiting for since September. When it rains, it pours.
It’s like the world decided that I was ready to move on. Ready to move forward. That I served my dues, that I had gained sufficient humility and insight from the experience and finally they would let me move on with my life.
But I have learned many things in the last 10 months.
I have learned what I want and what I don’t want. I have learned how to find worth in your life outside of your job. Because not having a job doesn’t make you worthless, though it certainly makes you feel that way. I have learned so much about myself from working a job just for the pay cheque - a job I never anticipated, with people that I never would have met otherwise, for better or worse.
I’m terrified to start on Monday. This job is so big. I know that I can do it, but I know it will be so hard. But I’m ready for a challenge.
Maybe I wasn’t ready in September, fresh out of a 160 page dissertation.
It’s 5:52 am and I can’t sleep. But it’s from the excitement of it all, I swear.
Yesterday, I spent the day napping and cuddling with my cat, Harley. In the last couple of days she had been having trouble walking and moving around. We decided to put her down last night. She was 19 years old, and we had her since I was 6. I grew up with her. I used to dress her in doll clothes and drag her around the house. When I was older, she had a knack of knowing when I was upset. She would always appear and I would bury my face in her fur and cry. An animal’s love in so heartbreakingly unconditional. In truth, I like animals more than I like the majority of people in the world.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I love you, Harley!
Anyone who has read this blog for a while and/or knows me personally knows that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to Going Somewhere, Doing Something and Having a Plan.
None of which I have right now.
But you know what? I’m having fun. More fun than I’ve had in a long time, working at a relatively easy (though occasionally crazy job) that is NOT my career, but hanging out with fun people and generally messing around a bit.
Because I needed a break from Real Life. At least a bit.
Somedays, I get caught up in the anxiety again and I have to stop and remind myself that I’m still Going Somewhere… I’m just taking a little rest stop on the way. Which is a bit hard, since I’m not the rest stop kind of person and I often drive eight hours straight without even stopping to pee.
But being that kind of person is tiring. And I’m learning a lot about myself right now, in this in between time.
And I’m working at a day job while I decide what I really want to do…
And when that isn’t enough, I turn, as always, to a song to comfort me. This time it’s Kate Miller Heidke, who generally inspired my embracing life when I was in England, and who’s song Apartment is pretty much my mantra at the moment.
I’m living for the present
I’m living day to day
And I don’t have a trust fund
Don’t feel the need to superannuate
It’s almost summer, and I’m determined to enjoy what I can of this summer - live day to day and stop worrying so much about Where I’m Going.
The capitalized words can wait until September or thereabouts.
So, I still exist. It’s just that I got a new job and therefore have a lot less time on my hands. I’ve also become addicted to Dragon Age Origins. As I do when I’m stressed.
I was just talking to Fae about anxiety issues and how hard that makes it to start a new job. That’s my real excuse for not blogging recently. New jobs make me incredibly anxious and I don’t blog when I’m emotionally overwhelmed. Now the job is less overwhelming, but the way things are going it may still lead me to a life of heavy drinking.
In which case, I promise I’ll attempt to blog drunk. Or from AA.
They should hold AA meetings in the hotel where I work.
Anyway. On top of the anxiety of starting a new job, I am having a sort of quarter life crisis. Like, what do I really want to do with my life? Now that I’m making at least some money, where do I go from here?
Same questions, just another day.
I am, however, going to make a conscious effort to get back to my writing. Both here and elsewhere. Not only because I’ve had a couple of people ask me if I’m going to update my blog recently (*cough* Alaina *cough*) but also because I’m happier when I write and I’m in desperate need of some sort of purpose in my life.
childhood, life | Hezabelle July 16, 2011 | 
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