Category: change

you say that things change, my dear…

I keep waiting for this to go away.

I’ve hated myself and my life in waves since I was old enough to realize that I wasn’t going to grow up to look like a model, that I was too unlucky to ever have things land in my lap, too stubborn to settle and too smart to pretend to be happy.

Usually, it goes away. Something iinally changes and I find a reason to smile, to pick up my feet a little. To look forward. I think that this is the first time in a really long time that I’ve felt so lost, hopeless and ugly for months without a break. And every single day it gets worse. Today it took me half an hour just to decide what to wear because nothing actually fit and everything made me look like a cow. I haven’t felt right in my skin since last summer. But today I actually wanted to tear it all off. I actually disgust myself right now. Several times this week I’ve had to disappear to the bathroom just so no one would see me cry. I’ve sat, watching TV but not looking, tears pouring down my cheeks and the sound grazing past my ears. I’m spinning into this abyss that I can’t get out of and I want to.. sleep forever.

I am so fucking alone. No one, nothing touches me. I live behind a mask and inside a bubble and I just.. function.

I can’t function much longer. I can’t… do this. I can’t be alone forever. I thought I could be strong enough to face my future but… I can’t.