Bah

I need to move. I have never known how to be happy here.

The end.

Weddings

I’ve sort of become part of a wedding culture in the last few months.

Last year I didn’t know anyone (in my peer group) who was married or getting married. Now I know 8 people who are engaged and getting married in the next two years.

I can now sustain a very long conversation about wedding plans, guests, venues, food, invitations and engagement rings.

And it’s seriously fun.

In the spring, Quonya and Doug who I met in Newcastle are getting married in Edinburgh. This summer my friend Annie from high school is getting married in Ottawa. My old roommate Taylor’s wedding is in July, and both Kristen and The Chris are bridesmaids.

And in October of 2012, Chandra is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid. Seriously, I couldn’t be more excited. It’s like a big party that you spend two years planning! And I get to help! I get to make invitations and help pick a photographer and watch Chandra try on beautiful dresses! And then I get to wear a beautiful dress too, and sit at the important wedding table! I feel like such a grown up!

I’m in no hurry at all to plan a wedding of my own, but I’m really happy that close friends of mine are getting married soon and I get to experience it all. And then I’ll have lots of ideas in five years when I might start thinking about doing it myself. Maybe.

For now I’m just excited for all my friends. And the parties.

Generosity

I have been overwhelmed by the generosity of people lately.

I haven’t had much money since September, and I’ve had absolutely none since New Year’s. It really limits what I can do. I want to be able to go out, but everything always costs money and it gets really stressful sometimes.

I can’t even count the number of times in the last 6 months that one of my friends has bought me a drink. Or dinner. Or concert tickets. A coffee. Anything. It amazes me that people are always looking out for me. It amazes me that they want to spend time with me so much that they’ll pay my share.

Though there are many things I want and need when I finally get a job and have an income, my priority is to slowly start paying my friends back for their generosity. As much as I can.

Maybe all people aren’t good, but my friends sure are.

<3

Predictive text in the T9 on my cell phone seems to tell a lot about my life. When I hit 1 twice, it writes either a happy or a sad face, depending on which I’ve used more recently.

This week, it’s been predicting a <3.

My best friend, Fae, was in a pretty bad car accident on Sunday night with her boyfriend, and they both had to have major surgery. She’s been in the hospital since.

Being a heartbreaking 862 kilometers away means that all I can do is text her and keep telling her how much I love her. Words are not enough. I feel helpless and useless. She’s miserable and in pain in a hospital bed in Pittsburgh and all I can text her is <3.

Last night, I kept my cell phone clutched in my hand all night so that when she woke up in the hospital, alone and unable to sleep, I could text her back. This morning she was moved to the ICU because they think she might have clots in her lungs and need to do xrays.

I need my girl to be all right.

Me and my Faebala<3

Things you can’t change

I’ve been working through this post in my head for exactly 4 days, 13 hours, 59 minutes and 15 seconds.

It’s not about resolutions.

I don’t think I believe in resolutions. At least, I don’t believe in them for me. I already have my list of 100 things to do before I die. Sometimes at the beginning of a year I’ll pick a few of those that I think I can accomplish by the end of the year. When I was in high school and university, I would usually write a little list of about 5 things I wanted to do over the summer. They were always achievable things. The summer I was 14 I taught myself to shuffle. The summer I was 17 I taught myself to French braid my hair. The summer I was 21 I taught myself to sit up straight. But I do horribly with concepts that you can’t measure. Things that I can’t definitively cross off a list. And, honestly, if I make a list that I can’t finish it drives me crazy.

Okay, I lied, it’s about resolutions.

But I don’t have any. Not really. It’s more like I’ve come up with a philosophy.

If you’re reading my blog then you already know that these past four months have been some of the hardest of my life. There are a lot of things outside of my control that I have been working against, to change. And I’ve had a few conversations with Fae and Kaitlyn recently about what type of things I should accept in life and which things I should work to change.

Because life sucks. But I’m stronger than that, right?

There are things in my life that suck. Things that I can’t change. Things that require patience and courage and perseverance.

What I can change is how they effect me. What I can change is how I see my circumstances. What I can change is what I make of my life.

And the true task isn’t being happy when everything’s great, it’s finding a way to be happy when everything isn’t.

I’ve already started to make some changes in my life this year. Little things that I can change. And hopefully I’ll slowly work up to the big things and I’ll spend 2011 learning how to be happy when things aren’t exactly as I might wish them to be.

And this girl? I’ve proof that she still exists.

Me on New Year's Eve, photo by Chandra