Fast forward

You know how you get to that point in the book where everything seems wrong, and you’re just waiting for everything to work itself out? You keep reading all night because you have to make sure it ends up okay. That’s where my life is right now, but I can’t speed up to the next page or glance at the ending. I just have to wait.

And I’m not good at waiting.

I have nothing good to say about my life anymore. I keep trying to put a positive spin on it, for myself and for the rest of the world. But I’m failing miserably. A few people have already seen behind the careful mask. Others will inevitably see it crack soon.

There are good things in my life, but they’re increasingly lost in the endless nothing of my life. Even when something good happens, it’s small and fleeting. I try to hold on to it, but the truth is that I can’t connect to it the way I used to. I’m deaf and mute, outside and in the corner.

I wake up every morning wanting just to go back to bed, to wait out the 12 hours until I can sleep (if I can sleep) again and live in my head. Days, weeks, months go by without anything tangible. At the end of the day I think that it shouldn’t have existed. That it was wasted. That I was merely breathing, functioning from one moon to the next.

Can I just fast forward to the part where I find some meaning? I’m not asking for anything life changing. Even a crappy job would do now. I just need something. Anything. Because right now, there’s nothing.

6 Comments

  • By steph, December 18, 2010 @ 12:40 pm

    Wannnnnaaaaa go on a dig??? lets find one! i am absolutely 100% serious. would be such a fun random thing to do. and awesome.

  • By Hezabelle, December 18, 2010 @ 12:41 pm

    It would be great, but I’ll never actually be able to do it since I have no money…

  • By Eleni, December 18, 2010 @ 2:10 pm

    I kind of know what you mean. I had a good sob last week (I even topped it off with eating chocolate ice cream out of the carton) as I had a breakdown wondering whether I should be in grad school, dooming myself to a life of research that at present I’m forgetting why I ever wanted to do in the first place. And all the past couple weeks, and when I go home for break, I have to tell family and friends that grad school is going “great” because that’s the illusion I want to keep up. Ugh.

    :( I hope you find something soon. I don’t know what to suggest. At least in your free time, are you catching up on things–reading, TV shows, various projects (though I know that after a while those stop being satisfying). This makes me think of that Hoobastank song “Crawling in the Dark”:
    I will dedicate
    And sacrifice my every-
    thing for just a second’s worth
    Of how my story’s ending
    And I wish I could know
    If the directions that I take
    And all the choices that I make
    Won’t end up all for nothing.
    etc.

  • By Hezabelle, December 18, 2010 @ 4:08 pm

    You always have such great quotes, Eleni!

    Last year when I came home for Christmas, I had to do the same thing - pretend my MA was going great, pretend I didn’t think I was done being in school and that each assignment was a struggle, not in effort but in motivation.

    But then the next semester blew me away and made me love school again. And from what I gather, that’s not uncommon in grad school. I guess by that point you’ve been in school for so long, you’re sort of burnt out. But eventually in grad school you (hopefully) find your rhythm and what really matters to you. You find something you love and that passion you had for the subject comes back.

    So hopefully that will happen to you, too? You’ll start loving it again? Until then, ice cream eases the pain, right? :)

  • By Eleni, December 18, 2010 @ 10:30 pm

    Aw, thanks, that makes me feel better. I guess there are lots of ups and downs in grad school. And lots of ice cream :)

  • By Chandra, December 20, 2010 @ 4:51 pm

    I have a prescription for you: Chandra hugs and MISADVENTURES! We need to do something unplanned together and find something to laugh at. Seriously - BOOK ME!

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