Enjoy your own company. If you don’t, who will?

My fortune from a cookie in a bag of Christmas treats. Appropriate, I think, to how I’ve been feeling recently.

Someone, the kind of person who was used to being around people, once asked me how I stand living alone. And I replied “You get used to being around yourself. More than that, you start to like your own company.”

When I first moved to Newcastle, I was a wreck. I went days without speaking to anyone. I traveled by myself, took self portraits at arm’s length in front of beautiful scenery. The first night in my new apartment, I wouldn’t open the door to my  bedroom. The rest of the place was too big, if I thought about what was outside the bedroom, I would feel small. There was too much space for one person. I was terrified that I had made all of the wrong decisions. I made my sister talk to me for hours, because I couldn’t sleep and I needed to feel like there was someone else in the world.

my "flat" in Newcastle

But slowly, it started to change. I started to enjoy being alone. I stopped fearing being left with my thoughts. I sang loudly and walked around in my underwear and I started to realize that I was kind of a fun person to be around. That I actually *gasp* liked myself.

This is a huge accomplishment for me. I have spent over a decade hating myself. I was really good at it. I wasn’t thin enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Kind enough. And it wasn’t anyone else who thought I wasn’t enough. It was just me.

Love yourself. If you don’t, who will?

I almost don’t believe myself as I type this. But in the past four months or so, I have quite learned to love myself. It’s pretty bad. I mean, I can’t get enough of how awesome I am. I’m pretty, I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m nice. Enough. Or more. Crazy to think, eh? It may sound vain, but I can’t seem to care much, after so long of hating myself.

Because I have always been my biggest critic.

So I gave myself a break. There are things I don’t like about myself. There are things that others don’t like about me. But it’s the same for every other person. No one is perfect. And I think I’m finally learning to accept that. I may be more than a little lost. I may procrastinate too much, eat too much chocolate. But I’m doing okay. Truly.

Of course, give me a few months (days.. minutes?) and I may hate myself again…

2009 has taught me a lot about myself. Probably more than any other year. And hopefully that means that 2010 will be a year of loving myself, of enjoying my own company.

5 Comments

  • By Faebala, December 31, 2009 @ 12:20 am

    OH. MY. GOD.

    This is the best thing I have ever read. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything else that has made me as happy as I felt reading this. Especially that mid paragraph, where you finally admit how beautiful, kind, funny, talented, brilliant you are. Which is what I’ve known all along.

    I’m so happy and I hope this is true and I hope this stays. And I especially agree that you are a super fun person to be around. No one else makes me cry (with laughter) every day I’m with them. <3 Amin mela lle, my wonderful dear. Hold onto this feeling!!!!

  • By Lea, December 31, 2009 @ 2:00 pm

    Awesome. :) I agree with Fae, this is the best thing ever.

  • By Devon, March 28, 2010 @ 5:14 am

    Gorgeous post. I love your writing!

Other Links to this Post

  1. Hezabelle » Let go — December 5, 2010 @ 6:21 pm

  2. Hezabelle » Things you can’t change — January 5, 2011 @ 2:31 pm

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