Forward looking curiosity

A little over three months ago, I was looking forward to coming to England. Today I’m looking forward to leaving it. It seems to me that I have always been this way - perhaps too afraid to live in the moment, and so always looking forward. In high school, I was looking forward to university. From about day two of Journalism, I was looking forward to the end. In the last days of a semester, after suffering through essays and exams, I am always looking forward to my summer job. About one month later, I’m looking forward to school again.

It’s not always in a big way, either. Sometimes, even when when I’m having fun, I’m looking forward to the next fun thing. What is this fascination with the future? I think it must be because the future holds such infinite possibility - so much hope. The present just is what it is, and like the past can’t be changed. All of life must be accepted for what it is, taken with resignation and made the best of. All except the future.

Maybe it’s my optimistic side, hoping for better. Maybe it’s my pessimistic side, refusing to be happy with right now. Either way, it seems to me an unhealthy way to live my life. Above all else, I wish I possessed the ability to fearlessly live in the moment.

There are moments in life that you can’t help but live in. Even a foward looking person like me. I am keeping a list, to teach myself how to be present. Jack Johnson’s Constellations under a clear night sky. The Fort Pitt tunnel at 2am. The first bars of Konstantine. The boy sketching under the tree in St. Stephen’s Green. Ice skating at the Tower of London. A balcony overlooking a city of mountains and rivers, sitting next to my other half.

The list is growing, so maybe I am doing something right. It may take me a lifetime to learn to be present. Maybe by then it will all be past.

The title comes from a quote by Brian M. Fagan. He calls archaeology the “backward looking curiosity.” I’ve always really liked that description.

1 Comment

  • By Lisa, December 9, 2009 @ 2:20 am

    I have never really been able to put it into words, but you just did…I am the EXACT same way– always looking forward!

Other Links to this Post

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a comment