It’s all about Head

When I moved back in with my parents a couple of weeks ago, we had a chance to go through the closet in my old bedroom. Beside some ancient purses and a few clothes that no one would ever wear, we found this jem:

It’s a laminated (that’s why it was so hard to photograph) list of rules we promised to abide by in our 4th grade class (I was in French Immersion). It says “Be responsible of your actions,” “Be responsible to your friends,” “Be nice,” and “Help others.” All very good rules to follow in life, I think.

Now, let us enhance this a little to a close up of my signature:

That’s right, folks. For about 8 years of my life my nickname was Head. And not just a passing nickname, either. All of my friends called me Head.

You see, I have a large head. After joining Big Heads Anonymous and resigning myself to a life of Tired Neck Syndrome (TNS), I have come to terms with it. My sister has always enjoyed making fun of it.

This is why she decided, one fine day when she was about 8 and I was about 5 or 6, that my nickname should be Head. Makes sense, does it not? I have a large head… ‘Hea’ is the first part of my name. I embraced it, the way little sisters always do, with overwhelming enthusiasm and wild abandon.

I remember sitting in class one day when we had a supply teacher. She asked if anyone had anything other than their name they liked to be called. I raised my hand and announced that everyone calls me Head. I remember she looked like she was trying very hard not to laugh, though I had no idea why. I imagine she told that story for years to come.

I remember my parents told me that someday I would regret this nickname, but they refused to tell me why. And that Kaitlyn would regret her nickname ‘Hairy Fruit’ (From Kiwi, which I still call her. Also given by my sister… notice the trend?)

Fast forward 8 years to middle school. A boy approaches me in the hallway.
“Ahaha, your nickname’s Head. Do you know what that means?” he says.
“Yeah! Of course!” I reply. But the way he’s saying it makes me doubt myself. I won’t admit I don’t know. Minutes later, I ask my friend Amanda.
“Why would Head be a bad nickname…?” I ask. She’s much more worldly than me.
“I bet they mean like blackhead or something,” she says wisely.
“Oh… Weird,” I answer. But everyone calls me Head already, so it’s really not that bad right?

It wasn’t until months later when rumours that “So-and-so gave So-and-So head in the elevator at the movie theatre!” started to circulate that I finally started putting the pieces together. I was named for a sex act.

With things whispered in corners and written on bathroom walls, it didn’t take long for everyone in my grade to figure out what head meant. And needless to say, it didn’t take long for the boys to start calling me “Give alot of head.” Though I promise I never lived up to the nickname!


  • By Sebastian, May 12, 2009 @ 10:21 pm

    I was so excited at the start of the post… and by the end, you’d extinguished the fire that was burning under my ass… booo!

    ‘Hairy Fruit’ is possibly the best nickname EVER. It’s not even a damn nickname, more of a … code name?

    ‘This is Red Eagle to Hairy Fruit. The knife has sliced. Repeat, the knife has sliced.’

    Are you sure you don’t give good head?

  • By Hezabelle, May 12, 2009 @ 10:27 pm

    Hahaha Sorry to extinguish your fire, Seb.

    I only said that I didn’t give a lot of head in middle school to merit the nickname…

  • By Faebala, May 12, 2009 @ 11:06 pm

    Well I was going to comment on this, because I’m laughing… but upon reading the previous comments, I feel like I’m intruding on something, so I’ll just back out of the comment slowly and shut the door on my way out……

  • By Faebala, May 12, 2009 @ 11:07 pm

    P.S. Big Heads Anonymous not Big On Heads Anonymous? hahahahah

  • By Kaitlyn, May 12, 2009 @ 11:12 pm

    To my defense, I never LIKED the name Hairy Fruit, you both just insisted on calling me that :P. I still remember why you gave me the nickname Kiwi…I think we were about 7?

    *Kaitlyn & Heather in line somewhere with their mums*

    Heather (Head): My mom doesn't like to eat Kiwis. *pause* I think your name should be Kiwi!

    Kaitlyn: uuhhhh

    I like to think that being 7, those two sentences of yours were not connected hehehe :)

    And let us not forget that we had a theme song! "Kiwi, Head & Coconut!" …Sounds like an exotic sex act now that I think about it…why the elementary school teachers let us belt that out on the school yard is beyond me.

  • By Sebastian, May 13, 2009 @ 7:14 am

    The depraved, innuendo-ridden variant of 'Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes.'

  • By Hezabelle, May 13, 2009 @ 8:20 am

    Kiwi is a really cute nickname! :P

    And it isn’t that my mom doesn’t like them, she’s allergic! I’m not sure if that’s any better… but I feel like the two aren’t connected. Hehehe.

  • By Court, May 13, 2009 @ 10:31 am

    Hahahaha I remember hearing a lot about “so-and-so” and “so-and-so” (I am thinking of their real names in my head and laughing!) in the elevator at the movie theatre. That was THE event of grade 8, if I recall correctly. Kids are cruel and gossipy!

    Ah, memories.

  • By Faebala, May 13, 2009 @ 11:27 am

    Is it all about Ham too? :)

  • By Jo, May 13, 2009 @ 11:49 am

    Your post is sooo funny! : ) So should we call you Head from now on? : )

  • By Lisa, May 13, 2009 @ 8:03 pm

    LOL, what a funny story!

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